Queenie
Queen of Everything
The girl pulled at the crown on her head, eliciting another round of loud coughs. She rolled her eyes towards the back of the boat and continued to adjust it.
"You should not have made it so tight then!" she called back.
Turning to the old man she continued their conversation. "You know of my father's skills and of my own Inge. I cannot throw aside talk of special talents. They can be the most surprising, devastating and tide turning of all."
Inge put his weathered hand on the girl's arm. "I don't think I have to tell you my Lady to be very careful with YOUR special talents. Do not go flinging that magic around like you did at your father's home. I am unsure what the new Jarl's position is on sorcery."
Astrid nodded and had assumed that, out here on the road and even with Einar - he seemed to know of her abilities, he seemed to know so much about her, but she was still unsure about his land's positions on magics. Considering they were pagans, they were more accepting of it overall but nonetheless, no one rule applied to every place. So she'd be overly careful until she was certain.
"This man, Thorir, sounds like he could be a dangerous foe if he wanted to be. I will have to ask Einar what the situation is with his brother if he does not bring it up sooner rather than later. But it is not like he does not have his own army at his disposal, his own loyal men, his own allies here on dry land that would come to his side and help him - as you mentioned, perhaps even sons of the king. So maybe there is less to worry about than we think."
She smiled calmly at the man, though she felt more nervous than she had earlier, she at least felt more prepared. "I wish you could stay with me Inge, I need someone to protect me, who will tell me things straight as they are. Nobody does that for me. I doubt anyone will do that for me in Grandael. I certainly will not have any true friends as the wife of the Jarl. Not as the mother of the heir's to the Jarldom."
She paused for a breath and let that sink in.
"If you have more advice for me I will gladly take it, but for now I will think on what I learned and take a rest, if you do not mind."
She nodded at him then made her way back to the prow of the boat, with Ruby prancing behind her, still avoiding that dragging dress. It was such a smooth ride, she sat safely on the edge of the boat looking over, out over that glassy blue green water, with Ruby under her hand as always. She pet her wolf mindlessly as she drifted off into her own thoughts.
This morning she had so many other things on her mind she hadn't even considered a lot of these very serious issues. This morning she was prancing around in a fancy dress with all her own goals in mind, not really considering what Einar's greater goals for her and for the world might be. She knew he'd want babies from her and the ties he would get to her father's lands, even the strong possibility those lands would pass to Astrid and they would become his in turn.
But to be King? That scared Astrid more than a little. To make her a Queen? Was she prepared to be a Queen? She was worried enough about the weight of being a Jarl. She grew up with the weight of having to care for a people. Having to care for lands and lands of people? Could she even do that?
She floated into the memory of getting ready this morning....
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Astrid took one final look at herself in her mirror. The light was low; the fire was dying down in her room, she suspected it would be the final fire in there for a very long time. The dancing light gave her a light, ethereal quality in her silvery gown but her heart felt heavy as this part of the day was for saying goodbye. Even though she’d knew it was coming, she had not been prepared. Whoever was?
Hilde and Siv had just finished plaiting her jeweled silver family diadem into her long hair. She’d be wearing it until she was married and then… she supposed she would be wearing a new one. She reached up and caressed it tenderly. She had been wearing this one, her mother’s before her, since she was ten years old and her mother passed. It was quite too large then but she insisted on wearing it, giving her maids quite the task of keeping it on her head.
Speaking of her maids, the older Hilde and the younger Siv were whispering over in the corner, cleaning up the room and packing up the final trunks. Astrid would be receiving a whole new wardrobe in her new home, one fit for the wife of a Jarl, but for now she’d need something to wear while that was tailored and put together. Vigdis, her family’s lifelong seamstress, had worked tirelessly to make the gown she was wearing and all the fancy gowns she would wear for the next week, while she met with the new family and the countless ends of dignitaries and special people who would undoubtedly want to meet with the proud husband who wanted to show off his new wife.
Astrid could never understand just whyEinar had been so insistent on marrying her. Of course there had been many suitors from lands far and wide asking for her hand in marriage, that was not strange. He first asked many years ago, she struggled to recall just how long, perhaps four or five years? Maybe longer? She politely declined, yet he continued to ask and became more and more insistent over time that she say yes. And as time went by she had less and less reason to say no. It was just time and he was as good as any.
“Do not you two ladies have your own packing to do? Make sure you bring what you want with you. I do not know what will be available where we are going and you will not have the kinds of restrictions on you that I will have on me,” she said to her maids. “Go now and make your final preparations!” Astrid shooed them away but left them in her room as she walked out herself.
She walked through the halls of their home, that long silver dress dragging across the floor like her spirit weighing her down. She passed the dining hall, where many of their own local leaders were already gathered, the roar of greetings and back-slappings already beginning. She continued to her father’s room, where she knew she’d find him, likely sitting in his chair, staring at her mother’s portrait on the wall. Her and her sister would curl up in his lap in that chair and they’d all stare at it until the girls fell asleep, many a night.
She knocked, and entered his room slowly. “Daddy?” she called out for him. She only ever called him that in private, when she knew no one else was around. But today that was who she needed.
Alec stood alone in his room, as the party went on. He was supposed to be there. He had duties.
He didn't care.
He needed time to process. He sat in his room, looking at the portrait of his wife hanging on the wall. Saria had always hated it. Said it made her look small and delicate. Alec smiled as he remembered saying, in his foolish youth, "But you are small and delicate." That had been a mistake. Saria had a fire in her that few could match.
His daughters no doubt thought he sat here out of some sense of sadness, wanting to reclaim the past. The truth was that Saria had been his chief advisor, the most insightful person he had ever met. When he sat here, he was processing. At times, he could almost hear her voice, advising him on one thing or another. He didn't sit here when he needed to feel her presence. He sat here when he needed her advice.
He always needed her presence.
He did not like Einar. He never had. He'd had a loose alliance with his father, but there had always been something about the boy that had rubbed Alec the wrong way. he'd always left his daughter's decisions up to her, he trusted her to make the right ones for herself and tried not to interfere. But when she said she'd accepted Einar's proposal, Alec's stomach had churned. He had no reason to feel the way he did, which is why he kept quiet. He, perhaps, did Einar a great disservice in feeling the way he did. But he couldn't help it. And his wife would surely had told him to trust his instinct.
"Daddy?" he heard from the door. He turned to see his daughter, and smiled.
"Nerves getting to you?" he asked as he waved her in.
"I..I guess so. Maybe not nerves," she continued quickly as she crossed the room to him, "Maybe just ... a little melancholy. It is not like I ever WANT to leave you and Sylvia. I do not think she is ready to have me gone." Astrid looked down and played with her fingers, "At least that is what I keep telling myself." She looked back up the her father's face, like she was memorizing it and smiled at him. "Perhaps I think you are not ready to have me gone either."
Alec chuckled. He was never fond of being overly emotional. "You're not dying. You were raised right. You had the right schooling. You're ready to be on your own, and you should be. An eagle, at some point, has to push the stubborn chicks out of the nest, else wise they'll never fly. And you were ever the stubborn one."
"And don't worry about your sister. She's only seven years your younger. She'll run me ragged, as you did. I daresay more so. And then she'll leave me, as well."
He turned serious at this point. "Tell me, though. Why did you agree to marry him? Why Einar? You could have had any of the men in the land."
“Like you said, it is time. Time to let you have the hall so you can arrange your own marriage. Difficult to arrange that with another woman in the way.” Astrid walked over to the large window in her father’s room to look out and buy herself some time. It was early, a bright and clear morning, a perfect day for traveling. She sighed deeply before turning back to face her father.
“If you are asking me if I love Einar, you already know the answer to that. I do not foresee loving another in this lifetime, just like you loved Mommy. She will never be replaced in your heart and I doubt he can be replaced in mine. I have a lot of feelings on the issue, obviously, he left me and never returned… but…” Astrid sighed again, deeper than before, “I know it is not what you would have wished for me but I loved him with all my heart Daddy, I did, and we made your granddaughter from that love and for that I have to be grateful for the time we did have.” Astrid’s knuckles whitened as they unconsciously tightened into fists speaking of being abandoned by her lost love. She gathered her wits and released her tension before speaking again, “But he is long gone and I am as over that as I am ever going to be. So it is time to move forward.”
She turned to fully face her father and spoke forcefully. “Einar has land, he has money, he has influence and he has power. He has an army. All things that can help me, help us, move forward in our quest to destroy the cult. I need to do this Daddy.” Her voice changed to a tone of pleading and desperation, “You know my only desire is to find my daughter. That is all. I just want to find her, retrieve her, and live a peaceful life away from war and violence and loss and pain.” She stood a little taller and changed back into the forceful woman she was raised to be, “And I will raise an army to do this if I have to.”
She walked to her father’s side table and poured two glasses of mead, one for her and one for her father if he chose. She took a long sip, this was not an easy conversation to have. “Einar knows of the baby and he has promised me he will keep her existence a secret and help me find her. He’s been pursuing me the longest of the suitors, so he is persistent, and I need that trait to help me find her.”
Astrid’s lip began to tremble. “I need to find her soon, it has been so long already and I need Einar to help me. That is why I am going to marry him. I will do my duty as a wife, I will fulfill all my obligations and vows as I promised. In exchange he is going to help me find my baby.”
Alec nodded. "There is nothing wrong with marrying for convenience. This other...boy...you knew. He was just a passing thing. I know you feel it was more than that now, but you are young. That is how the young feel. Your mother and I...we were not perfect. Oh, we thought so when we were first married. It was scandalous, made my father upset to no end. Which, I believe, was part of the point.
"Once a year or two had gone by, while you were a child, those initial feelings of overwhelming desire faded, and what was left was...a person. She was frustrating. Stubborn. She refused to bend once she'd made up her mind, and in her mind everything had to be just so.
"It didn't take long to realize that what we had felt before, before we were married, was not real love. It was selfish. I wanted her for myself. That she wanted me too only spurred my desire. The thought of someone else having her filled me with rage. I did not realize until much later that this is not real love. It is the beginnings, perhaps. But love is giving, unconditionally. It is a choice, a promise, a vow. I continued to love your mother because I chose to love your mother, regardless of what she did to deserve it. Love is something you do for another, not something you feel. And the more you do, the more you will feel. And it is easier to act your way into a feeling, than to feel your way into an action.
"I tell you this because you are marrying for convenience, instead of love. But you will need that love if you are to make it through the hardships ahead. Having someone there who loves you, and whom you love, is the greatest support you can have. If you cannot learn to love him, then it will not matter what you do, or how successful you are. The world will still crumble around you."
"But fear not. He will be a good husband. Or I will take off his head. In either case, you win." He smiled and patted her shoulder. "Perhaps you should go see to the guests. I believe you will be leaving soon."
Astrid stared at her father for a long moment. There was a lot of information to process. New thoughts and feelings swirled in her mind and her heart, about her mother, about her lost love, about her decision… had she made the right choice?
“You are so wise Daddy, I am going to miss having you to talk to. It will be… strange… not having you with me all the time. Having it be… someone else. But you are right, I am ready. That does not mean I have to be thrilled about it. After all, I have been a MacTier a very long time. I will try though, try my best to take your advice.” Astrid put the wine down and began to head for the door but stopped near her father.
She looked up and set her green eyes on her father’s blue, “I just want you to know, I… we… did not love each other to hurt you Daddy, we were not trying to upset you or anyone else. Maybe we were young and foolish and selfish but I do not regret it. I learned a lot from him and I like to think he took something from me too…” Her lip trembled again for just a moment before she quickly gathered herself, “…wherever he is. I… I am just sorry if we hurt you.” She stood up on her toes and kissed her father softly on his bearded cheek.
Finally she quirked a smiled. “I will warn Einar he should keep an eye open for the mighty silver dragon. I hear they are fond of beheadings.” She walked to the door with a much lighter step than when she came in.
She turned in the door frame and almost like when she was still a little girl she asked, “Do you like my dress Daddy?” She picked up the elaborate train and did a little twirl before she laughed at him and continued down the hall toward the dining room.
"You should not have made it so tight then!" she called back.
Turning to the old man she continued their conversation. "You know of my father's skills and of my own Inge. I cannot throw aside talk of special talents. They can be the most surprising, devastating and tide turning of all."
Inge put his weathered hand on the girl's arm. "I don't think I have to tell you my Lady to be very careful with YOUR special talents. Do not go flinging that magic around like you did at your father's home. I am unsure what the new Jarl's position is on sorcery."
Astrid nodded and had assumed that, out here on the road and even with Einar - he seemed to know of her abilities, he seemed to know so much about her, but she was still unsure about his land's positions on magics. Considering they were pagans, they were more accepting of it overall but nonetheless, no one rule applied to every place. So she'd be overly careful until she was certain.
"This man, Thorir, sounds like he could be a dangerous foe if he wanted to be. I will have to ask Einar what the situation is with his brother if he does not bring it up sooner rather than later. But it is not like he does not have his own army at his disposal, his own loyal men, his own allies here on dry land that would come to his side and help him - as you mentioned, perhaps even sons of the king. So maybe there is less to worry about than we think."
She smiled calmly at the man, though she felt more nervous than she had earlier, she at least felt more prepared. "I wish you could stay with me Inge, I need someone to protect me, who will tell me things straight as they are. Nobody does that for me. I doubt anyone will do that for me in Grandael. I certainly will not have any true friends as the wife of the Jarl. Not as the mother of the heir's to the Jarldom."
She paused for a breath and let that sink in.
"If you have more advice for me I will gladly take it, but for now I will think on what I learned and take a rest, if you do not mind."
She nodded at him then made her way back to the prow of the boat, with Ruby prancing behind her, still avoiding that dragging dress. It was such a smooth ride, she sat safely on the edge of the boat looking over, out over that glassy blue green water, with Ruby under her hand as always. She pet her wolf mindlessly as she drifted off into her own thoughts.
This morning she had so many other things on her mind she hadn't even considered a lot of these very serious issues. This morning she was prancing around in a fancy dress with all her own goals in mind, not really considering what Einar's greater goals for her and for the world might be. She knew he'd want babies from her and the ties he would get to her father's lands, even the strong possibility those lands would pass to Astrid and they would become his in turn.
But to be King? That scared Astrid more than a little. To make her a Queen? Was she prepared to be a Queen? She was worried enough about the weight of being a Jarl. She grew up with the weight of having to care for a people. Having to care for lands and lands of people? Could she even do that?
She floated into the memory of getting ready this morning....
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Astrid took one final look at herself in her mirror. The light was low; the fire was dying down in her room, she suspected it would be the final fire in there for a very long time. The dancing light gave her a light, ethereal quality in her silvery gown but her heart felt heavy as this part of the day was for saying goodbye. Even though she’d knew it was coming, she had not been prepared. Whoever was?
Hilde and Siv had just finished plaiting her jeweled silver family diadem into her long hair. She’d be wearing it until she was married and then… she supposed she would be wearing a new one. She reached up and caressed it tenderly. She had been wearing this one, her mother’s before her, since she was ten years old and her mother passed. It was quite too large then but she insisted on wearing it, giving her maids quite the task of keeping it on her head.
Speaking of her maids, the older Hilde and the younger Siv were whispering over in the corner, cleaning up the room and packing up the final trunks. Astrid would be receiving a whole new wardrobe in her new home, one fit for the wife of a Jarl, but for now she’d need something to wear while that was tailored and put together. Vigdis, her family’s lifelong seamstress, had worked tirelessly to make the gown she was wearing and all the fancy gowns she would wear for the next week, while she met with the new family and the countless ends of dignitaries and special people who would undoubtedly want to meet with the proud husband who wanted to show off his new wife.
Astrid could never understand just whyEinar had been so insistent on marrying her. Of course there had been many suitors from lands far and wide asking for her hand in marriage, that was not strange. He first asked many years ago, she struggled to recall just how long, perhaps four or five years? Maybe longer? She politely declined, yet he continued to ask and became more and more insistent over time that she say yes. And as time went by she had less and less reason to say no. It was just time and he was as good as any.
“Do not you two ladies have your own packing to do? Make sure you bring what you want with you. I do not know what will be available where we are going and you will not have the kinds of restrictions on you that I will have on me,” she said to her maids. “Go now and make your final preparations!” Astrid shooed them away but left them in her room as she walked out herself.
She walked through the halls of their home, that long silver dress dragging across the floor like her spirit weighing her down. She passed the dining hall, where many of their own local leaders were already gathered, the roar of greetings and back-slappings already beginning. She continued to her father’s room, where she knew she’d find him, likely sitting in his chair, staring at her mother’s portrait on the wall. Her and her sister would curl up in his lap in that chair and they’d all stare at it until the girls fell asleep, many a night.
She knocked, and entered his room slowly. “Daddy?” she called out for him. She only ever called him that in private, when she knew no one else was around. But today that was who she needed.
Alec stood alone in his room, as the party went on. He was supposed to be there. He had duties.
He didn't care.
He needed time to process. He sat in his room, looking at the portrait of his wife hanging on the wall. Saria had always hated it. Said it made her look small and delicate. Alec smiled as he remembered saying, in his foolish youth, "But you are small and delicate." That had been a mistake. Saria had a fire in her that few could match.
His daughters no doubt thought he sat here out of some sense of sadness, wanting to reclaim the past. The truth was that Saria had been his chief advisor, the most insightful person he had ever met. When he sat here, he was processing. At times, he could almost hear her voice, advising him on one thing or another. He didn't sit here when he needed to feel her presence. He sat here when he needed her advice.
He always needed her presence.
He did not like Einar. He never had. He'd had a loose alliance with his father, but there had always been something about the boy that had rubbed Alec the wrong way. he'd always left his daughter's decisions up to her, he trusted her to make the right ones for herself and tried not to interfere. But when she said she'd accepted Einar's proposal, Alec's stomach had churned. He had no reason to feel the way he did, which is why he kept quiet. He, perhaps, did Einar a great disservice in feeling the way he did. But he couldn't help it. And his wife would surely had told him to trust his instinct.
"Daddy?" he heard from the door. He turned to see his daughter, and smiled.
"Nerves getting to you?" he asked as he waved her in.
"I..I guess so. Maybe not nerves," she continued quickly as she crossed the room to him, "Maybe just ... a little melancholy. It is not like I ever WANT to leave you and Sylvia. I do not think she is ready to have me gone." Astrid looked down and played with her fingers, "At least that is what I keep telling myself." She looked back up the her father's face, like she was memorizing it and smiled at him. "Perhaps I think you are not ready to have me gone either."
Alec chuckled. He was never fond of being overly emotional. "You're not dying. You were raised right. You had the right schooling. You're ready to be on your own, and you should be. An eagle, at some point, has to push the stubborn chicks out of the nest, else wise they'll never fly. And you were ever the stubborn one."
"And don't worry about your sister. She's only seven years your younger. She'll run me ragged, as you did. I daresay more so. And then she'll leave me, as well."
He turned serious at this point. "Tell me, though. Why did you agree to marry him? Why Einar? You could have had any of the men in the land."
“Like you said, it is time. Time to let you have the hall so you can arrange your own marriage. Difficult to arrange that with another woman in the way.” Astrid walked over to the large window in her father’s room to look out and buy herself some time. It was early, a bright and clear morning, a perfect day for traveling. She sighed deeply before turning back to face her father.
“If you are asking me if I love Einar, you already know the answer to that. I do not foresee loving another in this lifetime, just like you loved Mommy. She will never be replaced in your heart and I doubt he can be replaced in mine. I have a lot of feelings on the issue, obviously, he left me and never returned… but…” Astrid sighed again, deeper than before, “I know it is not what you would have wished for me but I loved him with all my heart Daddy, I did, and we made your granddaughter from that love and for that I have to be grateful for the time we did have.” Astrid’s knuckles whitened as they unconsciously tightened into fists speaking of being abandoned by her lost love. She gathered her wits and released her tension before speaking again, “But he is long gone and I am as over that as I am ever going to be. So it is time to move forward.”
She turned to fully face her father and spoke forcefully. “Einar has land, he has money, he has influence and he has power. He has an army. All things that can help me, help us, move forward in our quest to destroy the cult. I need to do this Daddy.” Her voice changed to a tone of pleading and desperation, “You know my only desire is to find my daughter. That is all. I just want to find her, retrieve her, and live a peaceful life away from war and violence and loss and pain.” She stood a little taller and changed back into the forceful woman she was raised to be, “And I will raise an army to do this if I have to.”
She walked to her father’s side table and poured two glasses of mead, one for her and one for her father if he chose. She took a long sip, this was not an easy conversation to have. “Einar knows of the baby and he has promised me he will keep her existence a secret and help me find her. He’s been pursuing me the longest of the suitors, so he is persistent, and I need that trait to help me find her.”
Astrid’s lip began to tremble. “I need to find her soon, it has been so long already and I need Einar to help me. That is why I am going to marry him. I will do my duty as a wife, I will fulfill all my obligations and vows as I promised. In exchange he is going to help me find my baby.”
Alec nodded. "There is nothing wrong with marrying for convenience. This other...boy...you knew. He was just a passing thing. I know you feel it was more than that now, but you are young. That is how the young feel. Your mother and I...we were not perfect. Oh, we thought so when we were first married. It was scandalous, made my father upset to no end. Which, I believe, was part of the point.
"Once a year or two had gone by, while you were a child, those initial feelings of overwhelming desire faded, and what was left was...a person. She was frustrating. Stubborn. She refused to bend once she'd made up her mind, and in her mind everything had to be just so.
"It didn't take long to realize that what we had felt before, before we were married, was not real love. It was selfish. I wanted her for myself. That she wanted me too only spurred my desire. The thought of someone else having her filled me with rage. I did not realize until much later that this is not real love. It is the beginnings, perhaps. But love is giving, unconditionally. It is a choice, a promise, a vow. I continued to love your mother because I chose to love your mother, regardless of what she did to deserve it. Love is something you do for another, not something you feel. And the more you do, the more you will feel. And it is easier to act your way into a feeling, than to feel your way into an action.
"I tell you this because you are marrying for convenience, instead of love. But you will need that love if you are to make it through the hardships ahead. Having someone there who loves you, and whom you love, is the greatest support you can have. If you cannot learn to love him, then it will not matter what you do, or how successful you are. The world will still crumble around you."
"But fear not. He will be a good husband. Or I will take off his head. In either case, you win." He smiled and patted her shoulder. "Perhaps you should go see to the guests. I believe you will be leaving soon."
Astrid stared at her father for a long moment. There was a lot of information to process. New thoughts and feelings swirled in her mind and her heart, about her mother, about her lost love, about her decision… had she made the right choice?
“You are so wise Daddy, I am going to miss having you to talk to. It will be… strange… not having you with me all the time. Having it be… someone else. But you are right, I am ready. That does not mean I have to be thrilled about it. After all, I have been a MacTier a very long time. I will try though, try my best to take your advice.” Astrid put the wine down and began to head for the door but stopped near her father.
She looked up and set her green eyes on her father’s blue, “I just want you to know, I… we… did not love each other to hurt you Daddy, we were not trying to upset you or anyone else. Maybe we were young and foolish and selfish but I do not regret it. I learned a lot from him and I like to think he took something from me too…” Her lip trembled again for just a moment before she quickly gathered herself, “…wherever he is. I… I am just sorry if we hurt you.” She stood up on her toes and kissed her father softly on his bearded cheek.
Finally she quirked a smiled. “I will warn Einar he should keep an eye open for the mighty silver dragon. I hear they are fond of beheadings.” She walked to the door with a much lighter step than when she came in.
She turned in the door frame and almost like when she was still a little girl she asked, “Do you like my dress Daddy?” She picked up the elaborate train and did a little twirl before she laughed at him and continued down the hall toward the dining room.
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