D&D General Funniest D&D "How Do I Talk To Boys" Ideas

[Sparky McDibben]

Got someone playing a drow. She's having some romantic difficulties, and is going to go talk to her mom (high priestess of Lolth) about how to talk to men. Please give me your funniest ideas on how I can run this conversation.

*Note: Using enchantment to obtain consent from someone in this world has been established as a form of assault, so I'm going to have to pass on those ideas.

 

[Shiroiken]

Given that the mom is a priestess of Lolth, I suspect that most of her ideas aren't going to fly (such as the enchantment idea). I would think the humor would be on how inappropriate mom's ideas are. I would have her suggest kidnapping and psychological torture until they're bound to her will... "just like how I married your father."

 

[Kurotowa]

So I see two paths. One is to gender flip old misogynist tips, because drow. "If he says no he's just playing hard to get, you have to be decisive. Get him alone, push him up against a wall, and kiss him and he'll melt like putty in your hands." "Men are emotional and drawn to expensive things. You have to shower them with gifts to get their attention. But once he's yours, never let him out."

The other path is to focus on Lolthite teachings in a romantic context. "You should secretly ruin his family, and then swoop in save them in return for a marriage alliance." "If you have romantic rivals in the way, blackmail is the best solution. Poison is second best." "You need to find and seize his weakness. Never negotiate as the lesser partner. Once you have him by the throat, attach a leash and he'll be yours forever."

 

[Steampunkette]

The advice "Don't talk to boys. Command men." comes to mind. But that's less "Funny" more "Dommy Mommy"

 

[Sparky McDibben]

Thanks, y'all! These are great ideas!

 

[Zardnaar]

Consent in lolthite terms basically means you get to keep your heart in your chest. Threats, blackmail, poison etc typical lolthite Drow day.

 

[Dioltach]

"Would you rather be my husband or Lolth's? I hear being turned into a drider is quite unpleasant."

 

[rgoodbb]

Mum’s love poem that worked on dad.

You will be mine, but I not yours
I am in charge of your body, of course
You will adore me, and be my provider
Lest you attract, the ire of the spider

Think of naught else, when you imagine my pleasure
Every waking hour is mine, not your leisure
I am your romance, of all things above
Or I’ll poison your heart, that is Drow love

 

[Dioltach]

"It's the ire of the spider, it's the thrill of the fight..."

 

[EzekielRaiden]

"Honey, why would you want to talk with them? They're men. Boys. Whatever. They're beneath you. If one strikes your fancy, declare him yours. You should be much more concerned about the harpies who might try to take your claimed property from you."
"But moooooom, how do I even DO that???"
"Listen, when I met your father..."
"Eeew! I don't want to hear about that again!"
"Well the chains did work..."