D&D 5E d100 Commands to Give A Golem

[I'm A Banana]

I need some commands to give a golem, so I figured I'd ask ENWorld to help me compile a list that I can roll on!

Why do I need this? Why can't I just command the golem to do what I want?

Well, I am playing a mad gnomish wild mage in a Dragonlance game whose goal is to build a better universe by breaking destiny (so, basically, what normal DL gnomes do with a perfectly good shovel, but for Fate Itself).

He has a chance to get his hands on a golem (gotta run the proposal by the DM, but he said "pick a magic item that's very rare or less" and the Manual of Golems is that!).

If he gets one, rest assured, he is not going to be content with simply issuing it normal commands. At the very least, that's too predictable - if a character wants to break destiny, he's probably not going to want to strictly set the destiny of his own creations.

(The character has a wind-up soldier from being a rock gnome that "moves in a random direction" when set on the ground, and this is basically his favorite possession)

So I'd like a chart to roll on. Whenever my golem doesn't have something better to do, what should my wild mage tell it to do?

 

[LordEntrails]

1) jumping jacks
2) push-ups
3) practice a ballet dance, on tip toes
4) do a somersault
5) sing a sailing chant
6) repeat a love poem
7) juggle three large rocks (small boulders)
8) juggle the gnome and two rocks
9) walk backwards in circles (around the party, etc)
10) carve a tree trunk into a toothpick

 

[Blue]

11. Fill a new sea using it's bare hands.
12. Amateur taxidermy.
13. Amateur mortician.
14. Russian folk dancing / Irish line dancing
15. Make miniature duplicates of itself from clay.
16. Conduct war games with the miniature duplicates.
17. Change clothing and plan outfits.
18. Carve wooden toys for good little boys and girls.
19. Watch people sleep ... from VERY CLOSE UP.
20. Conduct plays from a book, playing every part itself.

 

[Tony Vargas]

Whenever my golem doesn't have something better to do, what should my wild mage tell it to do?

DO?

do...

21)the Hustle
22)the Twist
23)the Macarena
24)the Watusi
25)the dishes
26)the laundry
27)lunch
28)drugs
29)80 in the slow lane
30)...bedobedoooo...

sorry, it occurs to me those are all anachronistic, more D&D things for the golem to do, instead:

21) dig a 10x10 tunnel
22) load heavy crossbows
23) forge a wall of iron into ingots
24) forge iron ingots into full plate armor
25) fill flasks with oil and stuff rags in them
26) hold a brass brazier of live coals
27) pretend to be statue
28) set up a circle of standing stones
29) pick up used caltrops
30) attack anyone who calls a sea shanty a 'sailing chant'

 

[LordEntrails]

...
15. Make miniature duplicates of itself from clay.
...
17. Change clothing and plan outfits....

Two of my favorites. I can just picture the golem going about in Little Sailor Blue outfit and the next day in a Little Red Riding Hood *G*

 

[Eltab]

Break the golem's brain:
have it read The Compleat Works of Shakespeare, then...
31) Utter an appropriate Shakespearean insult at enemies / foes
32) Compose its own two-scene three-character play
32b) if that works, make longer and more complex plays over time
33) Compose an original sonnet
34) Quote a scene from Shakespeare's plays that is appropriate to the occasion

Step on your allies' toes a bit
35) Guard the camp while we sleep/eat/heal (also frees up the Wizard's 'Alarm' spell slot)
36) Using a set of Generic Plot Threads, compose a short story suitable for telling to children (Bard)
37) Perform the Vespers and Matins services at the appropriate times of day, every day (Cleric)
38) Always follow the Rogue around - at maximum visual distance - when he's trying to be sneaky
39) Use a tree as raw materials to construct arrows (gets both the Ranger and the Druid)