Need help with insults!

[cdrcjsn]

I've placed an NPC that likes to thow insults (imp trapped in a magic circle) for my next game session that I'm running. I need help coming up with a slew of game appropriate insults to throw at my PCs.

Something like, "you can't hit the broadside of a barn if it was prone and you had a warlord backing you up" or "you're mama's so ugly she turned the medusa to stone".

I expect I'll need about a few dozen of these to throw at the PCs.

Halp!

 

[Whimsical]

Determine what the points of pride are for each PC, and then ridicule them.

Find the points of weakness for each PC, and then humiliate them.

What's your PC roster? (race, class, level, distinctive features, personalities, etc.)

 

[Andor]

To a dragonborn - Your breath couldn't knock over a fly!

To an Elf or Eldadrin - Yours could!

To a Greatsword weilder - Way to compensate big guy! Did you know those runes on the side read 'Manhood substitute?'

- I've been trapped in this circle with nothing to do but stare at the walls for 500 years, and you guys still bore me.

- Normally we offer huge enticements to get people to sell their souls. For you guys? I have a 500 year supply of Imp navel lint.

 

[Nifft]

Shakespearian insult generators should be common on the web.

Here's one now.

Cheers, -- N

 

[Snoweel]

My in-game insults are the same as real life insults.

Likewise, players talk colloquially in-character because in the game world that's what their characters are doing.

Medieval-speak drives me mad.

[/rant]

 

[fba827]

Does the imp know them, personally? Or are these going to be insults based on what it can see and pure stereotypes of their race/gender/class ?

* As a first liner, "Pee-U, what is that awful smell.....(pause as PCs round the corner or come closer in to view).... oh, adventurers, I should have realized you were coming ...."

* After being threatened, "(loud obxnious yawn)"

* In response to any insult or threat, "Yeah, big words for your small brain, I'm impressed... but do you want to try coming in here and showing me that you have what it takes?"

* To an elf/eladrin male, "Hey pretty lady ... yeah, you with the (describe some distinctive clothing/armor/weapon carried by the elf), how about you come here and give Mytzlplik (or whatever the imp's name is) a kiss...."

* To a dwarven man "Wow, I've seen a lot of dwarves in my day, but none of them have had as short a beard as you do .... "

* To play with their minds without actually insulting them, "If you're looking for (the exit, some item, whatever), you'll find it by (doign some action -- pressing that rock, or walking that way, etc), or maybe it's (some other action) instead, or was it (some third action).... I don't know, it's been so long... one of those might let me out now that I think about it."

* After any display of magic or skill, "(As if talking to a baby) Wow that must have taken a long time to learn, you're such a big boy! gold star for you"

* After any display of magic or skill, "(sacrastic) Impressive (rolling eyes)"


Oh, wait, maybe you wanted good insults, sorry, I am not good at that

 

[simply not edible]

"You son of a motherless goat! You will die, like pigs!"

 

[CastTiltowait]

My apologies for any offense at my insults, I'd never say sexist/racist (fantasy racism)/etc myself, but it's a frickin' EVIL imp

To a dragonborn- "What's that smell? I thought your breathweapon was supposed to come out your mouth!"

or...
"Hey, look at that, that money I spent paying the hooker to >bleep< the iguana 20 years ago is providing entertainment value yet again!"

or...
"oooOOoo, it's so cute, a gecko with attitude"

or...
"Hunh, I guess a lizard's tail doesN'T grow back when a dog pulls it off"

or... (if your gamers are allergic to pokemon like me)
"Dragonborn, I choose YOU!"

To a dwarf- "Hey, who put the fake beard on the gnome?"/...on the midget elf?"/... who put the phoney beard and nose on the kobold?"

or...
If the dwarf's a male- "I thought the females were supposed to shave their beards... ah, who cares, come over honey, I want to see if you're as good a kisser as your mom!"

If the dwarf's a female- "Hey, look, it's a chubby halfling! Oh, I'm sorry, that's right, you're just 'Big Boned'"

or...
"I still don't get why that orc likes dwarven hookers- yeah, you can shave the beard off of them, but getting rid of that smell would be more work than it's worth"

To a Eladrin- "Can you really teleport, or is it just you're so insignificant, that even the universe doesn't care where you go?"

or... (the rest work fine for both Eladrin or elf)
"I know you, Grok the orc says you're a real bargain at 3 gold a night! If I give you a platinum, can I get you to include your dwarven friend over there?"

or...
"How much did your race have to pay the humans to make half-elves?"

or...
"Great, an eladrin/elf wizard! Quick, make yourself useful, I need a reading light"

or...
"I heard that eladrin were created when a Balor got drunk and slept with a dryad. Must have been a lie, even a Balor wouldn't make something as ugly as you."

or...
"Shut up, little girl/boy, the grown ups want to talk" and then address statements to the dwarf or human in the party.

To a half elf- "so, who was more drunk, your mom or your dad? Oops, sorry, you probably never met them"

or...
"Hey, look, these adventurers have a mascot" (this also works for dwarves or halflings)

or...
"Look, it's a wannabe eladrin"

To a halfling- "I'm sorry, you have to be at least THIS tall in order for me to give a >bleep< what you say"

or...
(if there are any vaguely similar classed non-halfling PC's in the party) "Look, the human/whatever has a mini-me!"

or...
"What, you guys couldn't convince a dwarf to join your party so you thought you'd bring this?"

or...
"I remember your mom. After I was done with her, she was a quarterling"

or...
"What, is it 'Bring Your Daughter Adventuring Day' today?" (addressed to one of the human/elves in the party)

or... (this can work for just about any adventurer, but halflings are likely to be more vulnerable to it)
After a long laughing fit "...hoo, hah... Thanks for showing up, I haven't had a good laugh like that in a long time, you halflings are always good for a laugh. Quick, you walk in again, pretending that I'm supposed to take you seriously, it was priceless!"

To a human- (if the party is mostly non-human) "Hey look, they brought someone to carry stuff for them. Can I borrow the human for a moment, I've got something stuck on my >bleep< and I'm too lazy to pick it out myself"

or...
"How long have I been stuck in here? When'd the chimps learn to wear armor?"

or... (to a human spell caster)
"Look, an eladrin/tiefling dressed up their pet like a wizard/warlock, how cute"

To a tiefling- "come here and give Daddy a kiss!"

or... (while pointing at the tiefling)
"Ugh, THAT's why I never do human"

or...
"So, how's it feel to be a race of Losers? To humans!?!" (starts to laugh) "You'd think with Infernal blood, you'd have no trouble keeping balding chimps with pointed sticks at bay, but what do you expect when a quasit loses a bet and has to do a goat"

or... (to a tiefling spell caster)
"Ahh, you remind me of my childhood. Go ahead, show me one of your little tricks!"

To a fighter/paladin- (addressed to any spellcasters) "Is he supposed to be off his leash?"

or...
"Careful, Lunkhead, or you'll cut yourself again by grabbing that thing by the wrong end"

That's the first things that occur to me off the top of my head...

 

[cdrcjsn]

Thanks for the list all. It's a huge help.

The problem I'm having is that this is for a one-off game at a game store (the normal RPGA games we run weekly are on hiatus) where everyone is bringing in their own characters, so I can't exactly design insults with character histories in mind.

The race/class based insults are pure gold though.

 

[Pbartender]

"Have you always been this [INSERT UNFLATTERING TRAIT... eg. stupid, ugly, clumsy, fat, bald, etc...], or did you have to go to school for that?"

"Oh wow. Look at that. That's amazing. You're my hero. I want to be just like you when I grow up... but not quite so [INSERT UNFLATTERING TRAIT... as above]."

For example...

To a halfling: "Oh wow. Look at that. That's amazing. You're my hero. I want to be just like you when I grow up... but not quite so SHORT!"

To a male elf or half-elf: "Have you always been this effeminate, or did you have to go to school for that?"