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[LOTR] [Humor] - The Secret Diary of Aragorn Son of Arathorn
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<blockquote data-quote="UD" data-source="post: 5966" data-attributes="member: 316"><p>As the old boards are down, here is the Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings condensed into a 4 minute</p><p>read!</p><p></p><p>WARNING SPOILERS!!!!!!</p><p></p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p></p><p></p><p>THE HOBBIT</p><p>Bilbo Baggins</p><p> Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the door. </p><p>Balin</p><p> We're dwarves. I'm the merry one. </p><p>Dwalin</p><p> I'm the happy one. </p><p>Fili</p><p> I'm the young one. </p><p>Kili</p><p> I'm the other young one. </p><p>Dori</p><p> I'm the funny one. </p><p>Nori</p><p> I'm the joyous one. </p><p>Ori</p><p> I'm the cute one. </p><p>Oin</p><p> I'm the jolly one. </p><p>Gloin</p><p> I'm the silly one. </p><p>Bifur</p><p> I'm the one with the funniest name. </p><p>Bofur</p><p> I'm the one with the looniest name. </p><p>Bombur</p><p> I'm the fat one. </p><p>Thorin</p><p> I'm the one with a distinct personality. </p><p>Gandalf</p><p> Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest. </p><p>(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost</p><p>get EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because</p><p>they almost get EATEN.)</p><p></p><p>Bilbo Baggins</p><p> What have I got in my pocket? </p><p>Gollum</p><p> I don't know. </p><p>(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost</p><p>get EATEN.)</p><p></p><p>Smaug</p><p> I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss. </p><p>(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the</p><p>dragon, and it makes a MESS.)</p><p></p><p>Bilbo Baggins</p><p> I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come. </p><p></p><p>THE END</p><p></p><p></p><p>THE LORD OF THE RINGS</p><p>BOOK 1: The Fellowship of the Ring</p><p></p><p>Gandalf</p><p> Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to</p><p>destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with. </p><p></p><p>Bilbo Baggins</p><p> It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!!</p><p>MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! </p><p></p><p>(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are</p><p>attacked by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)</p><p></p><p>Elrond</p><p> Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be</p><p>destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the</p><p>Ring to where he lives. </p><p></p><p>(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES</p><p>in the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form</p><p>having triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie</p><p>where the guy comes back as a DOG.)</p><p></p><p>Boromir</p><p> Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring. </p><p>Frodo</p><p> No. </p><p>Boromir</p><p> What have I done? (dies) </p><p></p><p>THE END</p><p></p><p></p><p>BOOK 2: The Two Towers</p><p></p><p>(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT</p><p>stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)</p><p></p><p>THE END</p><p></p><p></p><p>BOOK 3: The Return of the King</p><p></p><p>Aragorn</p><p> We must travel the Paths of the Dead. </p><p>Eowyn</p><p> You'll die. </p><p>(They don't.)</p><p></p><p>Gandalf</p><p> The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith. </p><p>(They don't.)</p><p></p><p>Gandalf</p><p> We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed. </p><p>(They aren't.)</p><p></p><p>Gollum</p><p> Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies) </p><p>Frodo</p><p> The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor. </p><p>Sam</p><p> Buck up, Master Frodo. </p><p>(A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save</p><p>EVERYBODY.)</p><p></p><p>THE END</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="UD, post: 5966, member: 316"] As the old boards are down, here is the Hobbit and The Lord Of The Rings condensed into a 4 minute read! WARNING SPOILERS!!!!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . THE HOBBIT Bilbo Baggins Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the door. Balin We're dwarves. I'm the merry one. Dwalin I'm the happy one. Fili I'm the young one. Kili I'm the other young one. Dori I'm the funny one. Nori I'm the joyous one. Ori I'm the cute one. Oin I'm the jolly one. Gloin I'm the silly one. Bifur I'm the one with the funniest name. Bofur I'm the one with the looniest name. Bombur I'm the fat one. Thorin I'm the one with a distinct personality. Gandalf Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest. (They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.) Bilbo Baggins What have I got in my pocket? Gollum I don't know. (They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.) Smaug I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss. (Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the dragon, and it makes a MESS.) Bilbo Baggins I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come. THE END THE LORD OF THE RINGS BOOK 1: The Fellowship of the Ring Gandalf Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with. Bilbo Baggins It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!! MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! (Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are attacked by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.) Elrond Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring to where he lives. (They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES in the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form having triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie where the guy comes back as a DOG.) Boromir Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring. Frodo No. Boromir What have I done? (dies) THE END BOOK 2: The Two Towers (Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.) THE END BOOK 3: The Return of the King Aragorn We must travel the Paths of the Dead. Eowyn You'll die. (They don't.) Gandalf The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith. (They don't.) Gandalf We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed. (They aren't.) Gollum Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies) Frodo The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor. Sam Buck up, Master Frodo. (A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save EVERYBODY.) THE END [/QUOTE]
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