(humor) The REAL reason humans hate elves

[Edena_of_Neith]

Humans seem to hate elves.
It seems to be a commonplace trait, especially in the Forgotten Realms, Dragonlance, Athas, and Aebrinis, to name a few worlds.

Now, why would this be?
How could humans hate flighty, frivolous, joyful beings like elves?

Here's why ...

Teenagers.

- - -

You do remember teenagehood, do you not?
Some staples of teenaged life:

Hi Dad, I'm having a party at the house tonight (read: tomorrow the house will look like a herd of bulls tramped through it.)
Hi Dad, I'm going out and will be back at 11 (read: I'll be back sometime tomorrow after you spend all night frantically looking for me.)
Hi Dad, I need to borrow the car (If you're lucky, you'll only sit scared half to death while your son or daughter is out.)
Hi Dad, I'm going out with that guy (read: well, we all know what to read into that!)
Hi Dad, I need to use the phone (read: 3 days later, the phone company shows up thinking the line is out of order, because of the constant busy signal.)

Of course, what they DON'T tell you is even worse.
What you don't know, with teen-agers, is ... well, something you always find out the hard way, when it's too late to do a thing about it.

- - -

Now, in us human beings, teenagehood lasts for a mere 10 years at the most, from age 11 to age 21.
The worst of teenagehood seems to last only 5 years, from 14 to 18.

But in elves ...

Teenagehood lasts ... 70 YEARS. (From age 30 to age 100.)

- - -

So, you live in a community of humans, and along come the elven teenagers.
Who are teenagers when you are a little boy.
Who are STILL teenagers when you are an old man.
And of course, their flighty, frivolous parents ... well, their parents aren't much better than THEY are, so you could hardly expect their parents to control these elves, could you?

And if possible, elven teenagers are worse than human teenagers.
Human teenagers grow up into somber, serious young men and women.
Elven teenagers grow up into flighty, frivolous young elves.

This is Reason Number 1 why humans hate elves.
It's the teenagers.
(And, if you really think about it, elven teenagers are worse than Dragonlance kender. For the kender, are probably being restrained from learning magic and other such dangerous lore, but elven teenagers are encouraged to learn every kind of magic, every kind of stunt, and on and on. So when the aspiring bladesinger crashes through your roof into your bed during the night, and then goes leaping through the window to escape your wrath, you know the drill.)

So, once more:

# 1 Reason why Humans Hate Elves: Elven Teenagers

Edena_of_Neith

P:S If you try to be serious and/or Real World in this thread, I'll have the Moderators pound you into snail's snot!

 

[s/LaSH]

I suddenly know why elves have such a low fertility rate...

... 70 years of teenagerdom? If elves were as fertile as humans, they'd rule the world with their hordes of 'mistakes'. "I'm off to sow my wild oats, Dad." "I'll see you in about fifty years, son. Try not to overpopulate the continent."

Dwarves, though, they're probably done with teenagerdom in about five minutes and then get on with being dour and grim and precise. Many dwarves probably pass through their teenage period in their sleep.

 

[Drawmack]

Reason #2 why humans hate elves:

They remember too much.

You might go onto become a mighty warrior who saves countless thousands from maurding beasts and evil dooers. Humans with their short lives and shorter memories will only remember these accomplishments.

On the other hand that elf you knew as a teenager will be telling your great, great, great, great, great grandchildren about the time you dressed up in your moms clothes to get cheap drinks at ladies night.

 

[William Ronald]

Hi, Edena. Good to see you back on the boards. (Good to see that the boards are up.)

Longevity: Except for a few notable exceptions, such as powerful spellcasters, humans do not live for centuries. There may well be a resentment of the longer lived races by the shorter lived races. (Tolkien touched on this in the fall of the Numenoreans.)

Jealousy has often been a cause of hate.

 

[Dark Jezter]

Reason #3 why humans hate elves:

WOTC's official D&D and FR forums.

After reading a few posts by the elf worshippers that post there, you'll never want to play an elf again.

 

[caudor]

Amen to all of that

If adult elves were not flighty then after 70 years they would most certainly become insane.

 

[William Ronald]

Fortunately, the mythic and literary wellspring that includes the elves of Europe, the Celtic sidhe, and the Norse Alfar is a lot more robust than some of the stuff people post on message boards.

Another problem for elves and human is a different perspective of time. Soon can mean different things for someone who lives 70 years and someone else who may live a millenium or more. This can create a bit of misunderstanding. (Human cultures with different world views have been known to disagree. The same might be true for non-human cultures.)

 

[Snoweel]

Human: d00d, you're 100 years old and you're only 1st level?!?!?

Elf: That's nothing, my grandfather's 600 years old and he's only 5th.

 

[Snoweel]

Another problem for elves and human is a different perspective of time. Soon can mean different things for someone who lives 70 years and someone else who may live a millenium or more. This can create a bit of misunderstanding. (Human cultures with different world views have been known to disagree. The same might be true for non-human cultures.)

I totally agree. So much so, in fact, that I can't see a logical reason for a mixed-race party (eg. Tordek, Jozan, Mialee and Lidda) to adventure together other than an epic, Fellowship of the Ring-level threat to the world.

Certainly not the D&D standard travel-the-countryside-killing-things-and-taking-their-stuff adventuring.

 

[Edena_of_Neith]

Hey there, William. Thanks for the welcome back.
Hey there, all.

What do you think? Is it a good reason for hating those elves?

I mean, after all, imagine a modern world situation involving your daughter and teenage elves.
First, the teenaged elves, being elves and handsome and winsome and eldritch and smart and all, woo your daughter into an orgy that goes on all night.
And, during that night - since elves like company - about FIFTY elves come tromping into your neatly kept apartment or house, and proceed to use it as an impromptu dancehall, rugby playing field, food fight festival, and when the house is trashed, they start on the back yard.
Of course, they all made international long distance calls, ALL NIGHT, on your phone. Some took baths, but weren't very careful about splashing around (read, the bathroom is flooded, and the basement, and perhaps a good part of the rest of the house.)
Some of the elves like motorcycles, and displayed their prowess with motorcycles on your lawn.
Others played King of the Hill, using your roof as the hill.

When the police showed up to stop this situation, some smart aleck elves Charmed the police, who then joined in on the festivities.
When the SWAT Team showed up, then just employed a more powerful Charming enchantment.
(Funny thing, but none of the authorities have any memory of this the next morning ... and the neighbors heard nothing, saw nothing, and blame any damage on you.)

Some elven parents showed up, but being the flighty and frivolous types (Oh, where are you going, with beards all a-wagging? No knowing, no knowing, what brings Mr. Baggins, and Balin and Dwalin, in June in the Valley, Fa La!) they merely looked on and smiled.

- - -

Now, the next day, the elves use their magic to completely repair the house.
They use their magic until everything is as neat and spick and span as would suit the most demanding housewife.
And then ... they throw that Forget spell on you, so you do not remember that your house was turned into a scene out of Armaggedon.
All you remember is that the elves sat up and read quiet poetry, sang gentle songs, discussed philosophy and ethics, drank water and coffee, and otherwise did a lot of conservative, quiet, stodgy stuff.
And they even went to bed - or went home - at 10 O'Clock!
That's all the authorities remember, too.

And so you, under their urging (and enchantment) agree to another party, tomorrow night ...

(They didn't enchant or charm your daughter, or your son. THEY are in on the plot, and supporting it fully.)

You can look forward to this for the next 70 years. Or, for the rest of your life.

- - -

Well now, perhaps the medieval version of elves is not quite that extreme. Perhaps your medieval character will not have to deal with parties every night ... but he or she might have to deal with the medieval equivalent.
After all, elves are creatures of Chaos.
And with creatures of chaos, you just never know. Steeped in mystique and magic, nobody quites knows what elves do, or what to make of elven behavior.

With elves, you just never know.