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<blockquote data-quote="Wicht" data-source="post: 8763984" data-attributes="member: 221"><p><span style="font-size: 18px"><strong><u>IRON DM 2022 Round 2, Match 1</u></strong></span></p><p><em>FitztheRuke</em> vs.<em> J.Quondam</em></p><p></p><p>As we begin round 2, I am pleased to say that I think both of the entries in the first match are worthy and their creators can be pleased with what they have put forward, utilizing some not necessarily easy ingredients. But only one can win, so let’s examine them and see how my vote (one of three) is going to go.</p><p></p><p>[USER=59816]@FitzTheRuke[/USER] offers us “<strong><u>The Vampries </u></strong><em><u>(sic)</u></em><strong><u> of Dolgan’s Hollow</u></strong>” (hereafter <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong>). Not withstanding the apparent typo in the title, the entry is well organized and presents us a credible village setting wherein vampires lurk. Interestingly, Fitz allows for two different approaches to the setting, depending on the DM and the desires of the table: the PCs may either be vampire protectors, or they can be employed to root out the vampire menace, such as it is.</p><p></p><p>@J.Quondam’s, “<strong>Trouble on Greenhill</strong>” (hereafter <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong>) gives us a different village, this one infested by Wights. The PCs must uncover the mysteries of the mysterious inhabitants growing vegetables on the burial mound near to the village, and one assumes, discover the real villain who has been causing trouble in the community. As with <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong>, <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong> also presents the PCs with a sandboxy sort of setting where the ending depends on the choices they make along the way.</p><p></p><p>Both entries were turned in on time, and under word-count. Interesting to me, I have a definite favorite to win going into this, but its close enough that the use of the ingredients could tip it the other way. I think I know how its going to come out, but let’s get to some real critiquing in order to be sure.</p><p></p><p>[spoiler=”THE INGREDIENTS”]</p><p>We begin our examination of the ingredients with the <strong><em>respected beggar.</em></strong> Looking at both entries, <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong> does a better job with this ingredient than <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong>. The beggar in <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong>, the mayor, is respected but he is, in fact, a former beggar. This relegates the ingredient to nothing but backstory, and not actually anything that the players will have to deal with. On the other hand, in <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong>, we have the villain Kizar, who is also a local beggar named The Vagabond. Now this particular ingredient use, while better than <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong>, is not perfect, as this beggar is only posing as a beggar and is even doing high end clandestine transactions with the nobility. But still, advantage <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong>.</p><p></p><p>In both entries we have an <strong><em>undead settlement</em></strong> which, depending on the choices of the PCs, may or may not be antagonists. The vampires in <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong> are a more traditional sort of undead, though their settlement could be better described, and it seems like they may mostly be lurking in one house which makes them less settlers and more like community members. But I’ll let that slide and call this one a wash between the entries.</p><p></p><p><strong><em>Wide Depression</em></strong> was an admittedly tricky ingredient, and it is not too surprising that both entries basically made it setting fodder.I give the nod here to <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong> for slightly better use, as the whole of the sinking valley provides the setting for the adventure, and in <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong>, the bramble filled moat doesn’t necessarily do anything, though at one point monsters crawl out of it for reasons that aren’t entirely clear.</p><p></p><p>In <strong><em>Recalcitrant Infant</em></strong>, I’m going to again give the edge to <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong>. The toddler who has been infected by his father, and is now poisoned and fussy is a great use of the ingredient. The little side adventure is definitely, to me, one of the high points of the entry. There are also, of course, the ravenlings with whom the party must interact for bonus measure. On the other hand, the wyrmling dragon from <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong> seems only half-baked. There’s a solid idea there, but it hasn’t completely gelled. I am left wondering, for instance, how a gold wyrmling has teleport magic. And I’m not completely sure what the role of the dragon in the adventure is supposed to be, though I get a general feeling its mostly meant as a red-herring. So again points to <strong><em>Vamp</em></strong>.</p><p></p><p>With <strong><em>garden-fresh greens</em></strong>, we have a slightly harder call. Neither makes the ingredient something that the PCs will necessarily have to interact with in a meaningful way, though both include it in a significant way regarding the story. For most of <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong>, the vegetables are background information, though there is a brief interaction with animated turnip greens that lifts the use. The integration of greens, blessed by the cursed father from the afflicted family of halflings is more creative, but it would have been better if the farmeress had also first asked the party to protect her greens from someone or other. So in the end, I’m going to consider this ingredient about even between the two.</p><p></p><p>Moving on to <strong><em>Moldy Tapestry</em></strong>, <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong> definitely has the edge. The Tapestry in <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong> could be replaced by about anything, and I don’t even think it’s described as being moldy. On the other hand, the “trapped” magic portal tapestry of Trouble fits thematically, and also segues nicely into potential dungeon exploration of the adventure.</p><p></p><p>Which brings us finally to <strong><em>smuggled elixir</em></strong>. The elixir of <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong> is a bit of a cheat, and leaves me with some questions. It’s not really an elixir, being the blood needed by the vampires, smuggled to the vampires, but on the other hand, it is definitely smuggled and it is liquid and it does play something of an important lead in the investigation. I wonder though at the viability of transporting blood, and how is it being kept fresh, and do the vampires actually want to drink old blood like that? Assuming story-wise, there is some method of making the old blood palatable to the undead, then we will let some of that be. In <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong>, the elixir plays a part in the background and maybe in an encounter, but the use feels a little tacked on. So, even with the issues, advantage here to <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong>.</p><p></p><p>All of which, when all is said and done, means that ingredient wise, Trouble has a very slight lead.</p><p>[/SPOILER]</p><p></p><p>[SPOILER=”USABILITY AND APPEAL”]</p><p>Being perfectly up front, though Trouble has a lot of potential going for it, I find for several reasons that I prefer Vamps. A lot of this has to do with the fact that Trouble to me feels like it needs another polish or two, and some adjustment to presentation and tempo.</p><p></p><p>As I compare the two, and my own personal preferences, as well as how they are put together, I like the general set-up of Trouble, and there are ingredients there that I think deserve more treatment. The trouble-maker in the village, trying to drive out his undead kith from their barrow home, is a good story, and has the makings of a good investigative adventure. The barrows beneath the mound, and the secret barrows connecting to this feel like it could make a good old-school dungeon crawl and properly put together, there’s publishable material here. But it feels slightly undone, and not entirely cohesive, and were I an editor or a publisher getting this submission, I would send it back with some specific instructions. Firstly, put all the backstory up front. It is a sad mistake to make the DM have to discover things reading through the story. Right at the front tell us the Ombruan’s are wights, that the vagabond wants them gone, and that there are secret levels of dungeon. Tightening up the backstory and putting it up front allows then for better presentation of the material after, and likely frees up a few words. I would also say to fix the dragon. Is it a red-herring? Did it really attack the village? It’s a dragon. Make it more significant. And there needs to be a better explanation for why wights, who in 5e are NE monsters who hate all living, are worshipping as a life-affirming druidic community of farmers. Ideally I think the adventure should have the PCs uncover the undead, uncover the truth of the Vagabond, and then have the PCs descend into a dungeon exploration after the Vagabond flees justice. That would be a nice, tight adventure. As it is, the information in the adventure is too scattered and that makes the overall useability of the adventure less than it should be.</p><p></p><p>This may sound like I am being very critical, but in this case my critique is actually indicative of the potential I see in the submission. Sometimes you see a submission that has flaws, and you move on to the next one. Other times you see the flaws, but you like what you see enough to want to step in and have it done better. That is the case here.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, Vamps definitely hits some of my <em>like</em> buttons. The village in the middle of nowhere, harboring vampires, has a lot of potential for story. Though I appreciate presenting the two options for how the PCs might approach, I would actually prefer a third, middle way of bringing the PCs into the village for other reasons, have them uncover the vampires, and then have to decide which side to go with, rather than starting at the beginning on one side or the other. At the same time, we have the hidden gem of the halfling wife with a cursed husband and a becursed child and that there is adventure gold. I love that little scenario. The various side-quests of the adventure, allowing the PCs to interact with the villagers, are well done, and create something of a life to the whole thing. I do think that the actual society of the vampires needs to be fleshed out a bit, as to what they might be contributing to the village, why the villagers have agreed to tolerate them, and so forth. Also the issue of smuggled blood is, as I noted in the ingredients, a bit weak, and ideally that arrangement could be better thought out, and maybe even made a little more sinister so that PCs trying to decide who to side with will have more of a moral struggle before them. And, at the risk of some repetition, the vampires get top billing, but they are not necessarily central to the action. They should have a larger role. But overall, I think I could take what Vamps is offering and run with it, without too much trouble.</p><p>[/SPOILER]</p><p></p><p>[SPOILER=”THE VERDICT”]</p><p>In the end, though I think that <strong><em>Trouble</em></strong> has the slightly better use of the ingredients, the overall presentation of <strong><em>Vamps</em></strong>, and the excellence of its scenario make my vote for this match go to FitztheRuke and <strong><em>The Vampries of Dolgan’s Hollow</em></strong>.</p><p></p><p>Looking at the other judge’s rulings, that makes FitztheRuke the unanimous winner of this match, and he will go on to round 3. We came at it from different angles, but all arrived at the same conclusion.</p><p>J.Quondam – for a first time player you have had a very strong showing and I very much hope that you compete again in the future.</p><p></p><p><strong><u>The Vampries of Dolgan’s Hollow</u></strong></p><p><strong>Followed the Rules:</strong> 6 points</p><p><strong>Ingredient Use:</strong> 9.5 points</p><p><em>Respected Beggar: .5</em></p><p><em>Undead Settlement: </em>2</p><p><em>Wide Depression: </em>1.5</p><p><em>Recalcitrant Infant: </em>2</p><p><em>Garden-fresh Greens: </em>1.5</p><p><em>Moldy Tapestry: </em>.5</p><p><em>Smuggled Elixir: </em>1.5</p><p><strong>Useability:</strong> 5 points</p><p><strong>Style:</strong> 5 points</p><p><strong><u>Total</u></strong>: 25.5/32</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><strong>Trouble on Greenhill</strong></p><p><strong>Followed the Rules:</strong> 6 points</p><p><strong>Ingredient Use:</strong> 10 points</p><p><em>Respected Beggar: 1.5</em></p><p><em>Undead Settlement: </em>2</p><p><em>Wide Depression: </em>1</p><p><em>Recalcitrant Infant: </em>1</p><p><em>Garden-fresh Greens: </em>1.5</p><p><em>Moldy Tapestry: </em>2</p><p><em>Smuggled Elixir: </em>1</p><p><strong>Useability:</strong> 4 points</p><p><strong>Style:</strong> 4 points</p><p><strong><u>Total</u></strong>: 24/32[/spoiler]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Wicht, post: 8763984, member: 221"] [SIZE=5][B][U]IRON DM 2022 Round 2, Match 1[/U][/B][/SIZE] [I]FitztheRuke[/I] vs.[I] J.Quondam[/I] As we begin round 2, I am pleased to say that I think both of the entries in the first match are worthy and their creators can be pleased with what they have put forward, utilizing some not necessarily easy ingredients. But only one can win, so let’s examine them and see how my vote (one of three) is going to go. [USER=59816]@FitzTheRuke[/USER] offers us “[B][U]The Vampries [/U][/B][I][U](sic)[/U][/I][B][U] of Dolgan’s Hollow[/U][/B]” (hereafter [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B]). Not withstanding the apparent typo in the title, the entry is well organized and presents us a credible village setting wherein vampires lurk. Interestingly, Fitz allows for two different approaches to the setting, depending on the DM and the desires of the table: the PCs may either be vampire protectors, or they can be employed to root out the vampire menace, such as it is. @J.Quondam’s, “[B]Trouble on Greenhill[/B]” (hereafter [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B]) gives us a different village, this one infested by Wights. The PCs must uncover the mysteries of the mysterious inhabitants growing vegetables on the burial mound near to the village, and one assumes, discover the real villain who has been causing trouble in the community. As with [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B], [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B] also presents the PCs with a sandboxy sort of setting where the ending depends on the choices they make along the way. Both entries were turned in on time, and under word-count. Interesting to me, I have a definite favorite to win going into this, but its close enough that the use of the ingredients could tip it the other way. I think I know how its going to come out, but let’s get to some real critiquing in order to be sure. [spoiler=”THE INGREDIENTS”] We begin our examination of the ingredients with the [B][I]respected beggar.[/I][/B] Looking at both entries, [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B] does a better job with this ingredient than [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B]. The beggar in [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B], the mayor, is respected but he is, in fact, a former beggar. This relegates the ingredient to nothing but backstory, and not actually anything that the players will have to deal with. On the other hand, in [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B], we have the villain Kizar, who is also a local beggar named The Vagabond. Now this particular ingredient use, while better than [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B], is not perfect, as this beggar is only posing as a beggar and is even doing high end clandestine transactions with the nobility. But still, advantage [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B]. In both entries we have an [B][I]undead settlement[/I][/B] which, depending on the choices of the PCs, may or may not be antagonists. The vampires in [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B] are a more traditional sort of undead, though their settlement could be better described, and it seems like they may mostly be lurking in one house which makes them less settlers and more like community members. But I’ll let that slide and call this one a wash between the entries. [B][I]Wide Depression[/I][/B] was an admittedly tricky ingredient, and it is not too surprising that both entries basically made it setting fodder.I give the nod here to [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B] for slightly better use, as the whole of the sinking valley provides the setting for the adventure, and in [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B], the bramble filled moat doesn’t necessarily do anything, though at one point monsters crawl out of it for reasons that aren’t entirely clear. In [B][I]Recalcitrant Infant[/I][/B], I’m going to again give the edge to [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B]. The toddler who has been infected by his father, and is now poisoned and fussy is a great use of the ingredient. The little side adventure is definitely, to me, one of the high points of the entry. There are also, of course, the ravenlings with whom the party must interact for bonus measure. On the other hand, the wyrmling dragon from [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B] seems only half-baked. There’s a solid idea there, but it hasn’t completely gelled. I am left wondering, for instance, how a gold wyrmling has teleport magic. And I’m not completely sure what the role of the dragon in the adventure is supposed to be, though I get a general feeling its mostly meant as a red-herring. So again points to [B][I]Vamp[/I][/B]. With [B][I]garden-fresh greens[/I][/B], we have a slightly harder call. Neither makes the ingredient something that the PCs will necessarily have to interact with in a meaningful way, though both include it in a significant way regarding the story. For most of [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B], the vegetables are background information, though there is a brief interaction with animated turnip greens that lifts the use. The integration of greens, blessed by the cursed father from the afflicted family of halflings is more creative, but it would have been better if the farmeress had also first asked the party to protect her greens from someone or other. So in the end, I’m going to consider this ingredient about even between the two. Moving on to [B][I]Moldy Tapestry[/I][/B], [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B] definitely has the edge. The Tapestry in [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B] could be replaced by about anything, and I don’t even think it’s described as being moldy. On the other hand, the “trapped” magic portal tapestry of Trouble fits thematically, and also segues nicely into potential dungeon exploration of the adventure. Which brings us finally to [B][I]smuggled elixir[/I][/B]. The elixir of [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B] is a bit of a cheat, and leaves me with some questions. It’s not really an elixir, being the blood needed by the vampires, smuggled to the vampires, but on the other hand, it is definitely smuggled and it is liquid and it does play something of an important lead in the investigation. I wonder though at the viability of transporting blood, and how is it being kept fresh, and do the vampires actually want to drink old blood like that? Assuming story-wise, there is some method of making the old blood palatable to the undead, then we will let some of that be. In [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B], the elixir plays a part in the background and maybe in an encounter, but the use feels a little tacked on. So, even with the issues, advantage here to [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B]. All of which, when all is said and done, means that ingredient wise, Trouble has a very slight lead. [/SPOILER] [SPOILER=”USABILITY AND APPEAL”] Being perfectly up front, though Trouble has a lot of potential going for it, I find for several reasons that I prefer Vamps. A lot of this has to do with the fact that Trouble to me feels like it needs another polish or two, and some adjustment to presentation and tempo. As I compare the two, and my own personal preferences, as well as how they are put together, I like the general set-up of Trouble, and there are ingredients there that I think deserve more treatment. The trouble-maker in the village, trying to drive out his undead kith from their barrow home, is a good story, and has the makings of a good investigative adventure. The barrows beneath the mound, and the secret barrows connecting to this feel like it could make a good old-school dungeon crawl and properly put together, there’s publishable material here. But it feels slightly undone, and not entirely cohesive, and were I an editor or a publisher getting this submission, I would send it back with some specific instructions. Firstly, put all the backstory up front. It is a sad mistake to make the DM have to discover things reading through the story. Right at the front tell us the Ombruan’s are wights, that the vagabond wants them gone, and that there are secret levels of dungeon. Tightening up the backstory and putting it up front allows then for better presentation of the material after, and likely frees up a few words. I would also say to fix the dragon. Is it a red-herring? Did it really attack the village? It’s a dragon. Make it more significant. And there needs to be a better explanation for why wights, who in 5e are NE monsters who hate all living, are worshipping as a life-affirming druidic community of farmers. Ideally I think the adventure should have the PCs uncover the undead, uncover the truth of the Vagabond, and then have the PCs descend into a dungeon exploration after the Vagabond flees justice. That would be a nice, tight adventure. As it is, the information in the adventure is too scattered and that makes the overall useability of the adventure less than it should be. This may sound like I am being very critical, but in this case my critique is actually indicative of the potential I see in the submission. Sometimes you see a submission that has flaws, and you move on to the next one. Other times you see the flaws, but you like what you see enough to want to step in and have it done better. That is the case here. On the other hand, Vamps definitely hits some of my [I]like[/I] buttons. The village in the middle of nowhere, harboring vampires, has a lot of potential for story. Though I appreciate presenting the two options for how the PCs might approach, I would actually prefer a third, middle way of bringing the PCs into the village for other reasons, have them uncover the vampires, and then have to decide which side to go with, rather than starting at the beginning on one side or the other. At the same time, we have the hidden gem of the halfling wife with a cursed husband and a becursed child and that there is adventure gold. I love that little scenario. The various side-quests of the adventure, allowing the PCs to interact with the villagers, are well done, and create something of a life to the whole thing. I do think that the actual society of the vampires needs to be fleshed out a bit, as to what they might be contributing to the village, why the villagers have agreed to tolerate them, and so forth. Also the issue of smuggled blood is, as I noted in the ingredients, a bit weak, and ideally that arrangement could be better thought out, and maybe even made a little more sinister so that PCs trying to decide who to side with will have more of a moral struggle before them. And, at the risk of some repetition, the vampires get top billing, but they are not necessarily central to the action. They should have a larger role. But overall, I think I could take what Vamps is offering and run with it, without too much trouble. [/SPOILER] [SPOILER=”THE VERDICT”] In the end, though I think that [B][I]Trouble[/I][/B] has the slightly better use of the ingredients, the overall presentation of [B][I]Vamps[/I][/B], and the excellence of its scenario make my vote for this match go to FitztheRuke and [B][I]The Vampries of Dolgan’s Hollow[/I][/B]. Looking at the other judge’s rulings, that makes FitztheRuke the unanimous winner of this match, and he will go on to round 3. We came at it from different angles, but all arrived at the same conclusion. J.Quondam – for a first time player you have had a very strong showing and I very much hope that you compete again in the future. [B][U]The Vampries of Dolgan’s Hollow[/U] Followed the Rules:[/B] 6 points [B]Ingredient Use:[/B] 9.5 points [I]Respected Beggar: .5 Undead Settlement: [/I]2 [I]Wide Depression: [/I]1.5 [I]Recalcitrant Infant: [/I]2 [I]Garden-fresh Greens: [/I]1.5 [I]Moldy Tapestry: [/I].5 [I]Smuggled Elixir: [/I]1.5 [B]Useability:[/B] 5 points [B]Style:[/B] 5 points [B][U]Total[/U][/B]: 25.5/32 [B]Trouble on Greenhill Followed the Rules:[/B] 6 points [B]Ingredient Use:[/B] 10 points [I]Respected Beggar: 1.5 Undead Settlement: [/I]2 [I]Wide Depression: [/I]1 [I]Recalcitrant Infant: [/I]1 [I]Garden-fresh Greens: [/I]1.5 [I]Moldy Tapestry: [/I]2 [I]Smuggled Elixir: [/I]1 [B]Useability:[/B] 4 points [B]Style:[/B] 4 points [B][U]Total[/U][/B]: 24/32[/spoiler] [/QUOTE]
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