The next time I was called it was from within a temple, with wards placed all around and a cadre of paladins prepared to restrain me, presumably while some uncomfortable compulsion was cast upon me. I suppose the cleric had spoken about me with his priestly superiors and they had decided to put an end to my scheming once and for all.
I must say I was a little insulted. Not that they’d try something like that, of course, but that they thought I’d actually walk into it. I sent an imp in my place, and watched their confusion in my mirror when I failed to appear.
The orc cleric held up the totem the abishai had given them. The one they'd assumed was somehow linked to me. “You are not the fiend we intended to summon.”
My imp spoke pompously. Inferior creatures do always seem to insist upon grand gestures. “My esteemed master regrets that you have made summoning impossible at this time.”
“What?” scowled the orc.
My imp coughed imperiously. “My master does not willfully walk into traps. If you wish an audience, you must seek it alone.”
The other priests and paladins said some droll things about how that could no longer be allowed and made a lot of analogies to the sun and to mountains and, for some reason, to archways. But what it came down to was that my imp negotiated a meeting between myself and the orc plus only the high priest on neutral ground (no sneaky hallowing or magic circles).
I blew some fire into my hands and rubbed them together eagerly. The elder priest meant serious business, and I hadn’t been properly challenged in far too long.
Passing through layers of defense that had enough power to shred a pit fiend (and believe me they’ve been tested), I entered the deepest level of my personal vault. One of the fringe benefits of living in Hell for a long time is that the Plane begins to shape itself around one’s nature. Some fiends find their chambers adorned with skulls or fashioned entirely out of blood or floating above a lake of molten lava.
My vault is an exact replica of the filing room where I labored away my youth as a clerk to our town’s judge. Drawers upon drawers, stacked from floor to ceiling, with garish magical illuminators casting an unapologetically blinding glare into every cranny. The whole place reeks of vinegar and lemons.
They do call it Hell, after all.
Pulling open one of the drawers I beheld a motley collection of metal bidents, each carved with runes. I probably have two score, collected over the years as payment for deals or crafted for me by mortal enthusiasts in a feeble attempt at garnering my goodwill. Unfortunately, those mortals failed to realize that, even with a properly keyed tuning fork, I am still unable to leave this Plane unless summoned. I killed them for their stupidity, but I kept their gifts.
Now, digging through my stock, I pulled out the one I planned on using in my visit to the cleric and his high priest. I had half a dozen of this particular variety of tuning fork. For some reason many mortals seem deluded into believing that any fiend would desire to go there.
Locating my two targets in my mirror, I adopted hamatula form and awaited their summons. Without their retinue of holy justiciars, they were forced to rely upon Holam to cast the summoning, and his call was familiar to me by now.
I stepped through the portal in an exquisite inferno of agony.
I looked straight at the high priest and gave a deep bow. “Forgive me, your grace, for I have sinned.” Then I gave her a toothy smile.
My orc cleric friend began to speak, but the high priest interjected first. “We have summoned you to demand that you cease your designs upon these mortals at once.”
“Why certainly,” I nodded. “Demand away. But if you want me to be agreeable it’s far politer to ask. And if you’re making a request, there will be a price.”
“No price,” retorted the high priest. “I am warning you by the power of the Impenetrable Mountain that if you persist in your machinations there will be consequences.”
“The Impenetrable Mountain… cheery place. Ever considered visiting yourself?” I dangled the tuning fork between two of my barbed fingers. “I won’t deny that the gods who dwell there have power, but would they really spare the effort to censor me?”
I saw the orc twitch uncomfortably, and knew he was thinking back to my interrogation at the massacre we’d witnessed.
But the high priest seemed unimpressed. “To curtail a fiend as powerful as you? I think they’d be very interested indeed.”
“You’re offering to give us that tuning fork.” The orc’s voice was brittle, as if he’d been crying. Or screaming. “What’s the price?”
I placed the item in question on the ground within the circle containing me. “You misunderstand. This tuning fork is the price. Pay your gods a visit and try to find an answer to the question I last asked of you. The gift is here.” And I placed a small gemstone beside the planar key. “This stone will summon me upon being broken.”
“We will not accept any gifts from you, fiend,” spat the high priest. She understood how to deal with a devil. Or, rather, how to avoid dealing with a devil. She would have been no use to me at all.
I kept my eyes fixed on the orc, whose gaze, in turn, was locked onto the two items at my feet. “Why would I ever desire to summon you?” he asked.
I shrugged. “You desired it today, didn’t you?”
The high priest, meanwhile, had begun an incantation. I think it was an attempt to Commune with her gods. I have it on good authority that they weren’t listening.
The orc continued. “I don’t want your gifts.”
“And yet you’ll take them anyways,” I asserted confidently. “Your high priest will forbid it, but you’ll have Holam Plane Shift you to your Impenetrable Mountain because, deep down, you really do want to know. Don’t worry. I once had the same desire. Not so different, you and me.”
“BEGONE!” thundered the cleric.
I think he uttered a Divine Word, though I couldn’t have told you what it was. He must have been really quite cross with me. Regardless, it hardly phased me. I’ve heard far more terrible pronouncements in my time.
“If you wish me to begone,” I said, “Holam will need to dismiss me. Oh, and speaking of, I almost forgot.” I withdrew a scroll and placed it beside my other two gifts. “A little something for your troubles, Holam.”
As I catapulted back into Hell I chuckled at the strife that particular spell would cause.
I must say I was a little insulted. Not that they’d try something like that, of course, but that they thought I’d actually walk into it. I sent an imp in my place, and watched their confusion in my mirror when I failed to appear.
The orc cleric held up the totem the abishai had given them. The one they'd assumed was somehow linked to me. “You are not the fiend we intended to summon.”
My imp spoke pompously. Inferior creatures do always seem to insist upon grand gestures. “My esteemed master regrets that you have made summoning impossible at this time.”
“What?” scowled the orc.
My imp coughed imperiously. “My master does not willfully walk into traps. If you wish an audience, you must seek it alone.”
The other priests and paladins said some droll things about how that could no longer be allowed and made a lot of analogies to the sun and to mountains and, for some reason, to archways. But what it came down to was that my imp negotiated a meeting between myself and the orc plus only the high priest on neutral ground (no sneaky hallowing or magic circles).
I blew some fire into my hands and rubbed them together eagerly. The elder priest meant serious business, and I hadn’t been properly challenged in far too long.
Passing through layers of defense that had enough power to shred a pit fiend (and believe me they’ve been tested), I entered the deepest level of my personal vault. One of the fringe benefits of living in Hell for a long time is that the Plane begins to shape itself around one’s nature. Some fiends find their chambers adorned with skulls or fashioned entirely out of blood or floating above a lake of molten lava.
My vault is an exact replica of the filing room where I labored away my youth as a clerk to our town’s judge. Drawers upon drawers, stacked from floor to ceiling, with garish magical illuminators casting an unapologetically blinding glare into every cranny. The whole place reeks of vinegar and lemons.
They do call it Hell, after all.
Pulling open one of the drawers I beheld a motley collection of metal bidents, each carved with runes. I probably have two score, collected over the years as payment for deals or crafted for me by mortal enthusiasts in a feeble attempt at garnering my goodwill. Unfortunately, those mortals failed to realize that, even with a properly keyed tuning fork, I am still unable to leave this Plane unless summoned. I killed them for their stupidity, but I kept their gifts.
Now, digging through my stock, I pulled out the one I planned on using in my visit to the cleric and his high priest. I had half a dozen of this particular variety of tuning fork. For some reason many mortals seem deluded into believing that any fiend would desire to go there.
Locating my two targets in my mirror, I adopted hamatula form and awaited their summons. Without their retinue of holy justiciars, they were forced to rely upon Holam to cast the summoning, and his call was familiar to me by now.
I stepped through the portal in an exquisite inferno of agony.
I looked straight at the high priest and gave a deep bow. “Forgive me, your grace, for I have sinned.” Then I gave her a toothy smile.
My orc cleric friend began to speak, but the high priest interjected first. “We have summoned you to demand that you cease your designs upon these mortals at once.”
“Why certainly,” I nodded. “Demand away. But if you want me to be agreeable it’s far politer to ask. And if you’re making a request, there will be a price.”
“No price,” retorted the high priest. “I am warning you by the power of the Impenetrable Mountain that if you persist in your machinations there will be consequences.”
“The Impenetrable Mountain… cheery place. Ever considered visiting yourself?” I dangled the tuning fork between two of my barbed fingers. “I won’t deny that the gods who dwell there have power, but would they really spare the effort to censor me?”
I saw the orc twitch uncomfortably, and knew he was thinking back to my interrogation at the massacre we’d witnessed.
But the high priest seemed unimpressed. “To curtail a fiend as powerful as you? I think they’d be very interested indeed.”
“You’re offering to give us that tuning fork.” The orc’s voice was brittle, as if he’d been crying. Or screaming. “What’s the price?”
I placed the item in question on the ground within the circle containing me. “You misunderstand. This tuning fork is the price. Pay your gods a visit and try to find an answer to the question I last asked of you. The gift is here.” And I placed a small gemstone beside the planar key. “This stone will summon me upon being broken.”
“We will not accept any gifts from you, fiend,” spat the high priest. She understood how to deal with a devil. Or, rather, how to avoid dealing with a devil. She would have been no use to me at all.
I kept my eyes fixed on the orc, whose gaze, in turn, was locked onto the two items at my feet. “Why would I ever desire to summon you?” he asked.
I shrugged. “You desired it today, didn’t you?”
The high priest, meanwhile, had begun an incantation. I think it was an attempt to Commune with her gods. I have it on good authority that they weren’t listening.
The orc continued. “I don’t want your gifts.”
“And yet you’ll take them anyways,” I asserted confidently. “Your high priest will forbid it, but you’ll have Holam Plane Shift you to your Impenetrable Mountain because, deep down, you really do want to know. Don’t worry. I once had the same desire. Not so different, you and me.”
“BEGONE!” thundered the cleric.
I think he uttered a Divine Word, though I couldn’t have told you what it was. He must have been really quite cross with me. Regardless, it hardly phased me. I’ve heard far more terrible pronouncements in my time.
“If you wish me to begone,” I said, “Holam will need to dismiss me. Oh, and speaking of, I almost forgot.” I withdrew a scroll and placed it beside my other two gifts. “A little something for your troubles, Holam.”
As I catapulted back into Hell I chuckled at the strife that particular spell would cause.